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02 December 2010 @ 09:00 pm
Back... or not  
I've spent the last couple of days -- mostly today, really -- catching up on two weeks of friends' journal entries. I'm a little bit proud of myself for not just giving up at some point admittedly I did skip/skim some things, but I always skip Twitter posts anyway.

To be honest the hardest part was the first couple of days, where I still wanted to know what people were saying and thus kept reading silently -- just refusing to comment. Then I reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore -- which, ironically, was when the discussions of events I didn't want to hear/talk about were winding down anyway -- and started ignoring LJ completely. That, and the Hankyuu website, and the TakaWiki... The only thing I kept checking was Alice-chan's blog.

I'm not sure what it is that made me come back, but I feel like it happened naturally. I'm still not sure where I am in fandom. I'm not sure who or what or where I want to be. But maybe it was the fact that despite cutting myself off electronically, I kept counting down the days and made sure to send a card in time for Ten-chan's birthday. And still intend to send letters to the usual suspects in Soragumi soon.

And, of course, the phone calls and emails with my close friends. I love you all, you know that, right? This is just hard for me. I just... Well, let's say that ignoring things completely worked fine in the short term, but I need to figure out a different strategy for the long-term.

On that note, an observation.

In all of the news / posters / character maps / etc that have gone up in my absence, some of them have been relayed to me by phone. With one glaring exception.

Chiko-chan was announced out sick from both runs of Romeo & Juliette.

On Thanksgiving. A week ago.

And no one told me.

I was going to post about other things I've caught up on, but now I feel so heartsick all I want to do is go back into hiding.
Current Mood: blankblank
An old diary.: MO - Reflectionhappy_riceball on December 3rd, 2010 04:46 am (UTC)
*hugs* Take your time coming back to lj. No one is going anywhere.

Ahh, no, Chiko-chan. ;__; I didn't see that at all. I really hope she's okay, and recovers sooner than expected.
tsuki_in_sora on December 3rd, 2010 05:07 am (UTC)
I thought you knew about Chiko-chan already and I decided not to bother you about it in case you were too upset or something, but I'll say - in regards to your latest post - I really hope it's not an emotional thing like with Chaki ;_;

But maybe it isn't, I mean I thought fan hate is actually blocked by the company? I did hear that siennes were strictly forbidden to view bulletin board sites because they were filled with too much hate. So maybe we don't have to worry. *hugs*
Juliewao_wao on December 3rd, 2010 05:09 am (UTC)
Think about the death threats to Yuuhi. Think about the ones who conspired to write "fan" letters. And then try telling me not to worry.
Es ist Zeit zu Leben.: I want to be a pirate // wavewalkerviolet_tango on December 3rd, 2010 07:50 am (UTC)
Think about the death threats to Yuuhi.

Juliewao_wao on December 3rd, 2010 07:56 am (UTC)
Sorry. A lot of crazy things were happening at the same time as that.
Es ist Zeit zu Leben.: Asako & Yuuhi // dieing together.violet_tango on December 3rd, 2010 08:04 am (UTC)
Gah, I notice again that I don't pay enough attention to my friendslist. Stupid diploma.

I seriously hope that 2ch will implode one day. There seems to be nothing that page can do except spreading hate everywhere.
Juliewao_wao on December 3rd, 2010 08:06 am (UTC)
The beauty and the ugliness of the internet. That which brings people together in love also brings people together in hate.
Es ist Zeit zu Leben.: Nacchan // ô_oviolet_tango on December 3rd, 2010 08:10 am (UTC)
I guess so.
The only thing that makes me still feel kind of well with that situation is that in Takarazuka fandom, there are still much more fans who decide for the love side.
I use to follow fandom_secrets every once in a while, and it sometimes seems to me as if wank is a sport in most fandoms out there.
Tiger: hanafusa mari ► edithmuirin on December 3rd, 2010 10:08 am (UTC)
fandom_secrets I seriously can't bring myself to check this comm, because if I do I just get terribly mad at all that crazy that is going on there :|

Edited at 2010-12-03 10:08 am (UTC)
Es ist Zeit zu Leben.violet_tango on December 3rd, 2010 10:23 am (UTC)
Actually, I am not caring too much about things that are going on in other fandoms than my own as long as it doesn't get too bad. And I usually never read the comments, only the secrets. :)
Tiger: wao youka x hanafusa mari ► phantommuirin on December 3rd, 2010 10:39 am (UTC)
Me neither, at least not that much. However they do talk about my other main fandom from time to time and once there was even a (nasty) "secret" about us four mods of a fan community.

I'm reacting sensitively to people hating around on the internet, I guess. It disturbs me greatly in general.
Becca: Micchan Second Life profilemuffin_song on December 3rd, 2010 05:19 am (UTC)
On Thanksgiving. A week ago.

In truth...that particular news came out the evening before Thanksgiving (like at 12 at night). I thought about texting you, but I really didn't want to weigh down the first Thanksgiving you've had at home with family in several years.

After that I hadn't seen you around the net a lot, so I wasn't sure if you had already seen it.
Juliewao_wao on December 3rd, 2010 06:09 am (UTC)
palais: me: tea partypalais on December 3rd, 2010 06:05 am (UTC)
Do you still have her contact information? Maybe just send some kind thoughts her way, hoping that she recovers soon and that you're still supporting her in the States. I think that would produce better results than worrying, for both of you. :)
Juliewao_wao on December 3rd, 2010 06:08 am (UTC)
I've been thinking about it. kind of wanting someone else to give me permission to do it, but even still, I don't know. I don't know what, if anything, is acceptable to do.
palais: stock: my trademarkpalais on December 3rd, 2010 06:12 am (UTC)
How about I'm giving you permission? ♥ I don't see how wishing her a speedy recovery would be unacceptable. If this is a worst-case scenario where she is suffering from something psychological (and I hope to God it isn't), hearing that someone is waiting to be able to see her perform again may very well be the push she needs to take a deep breath and return, surmounting whatever is in her path. One should never hold back on telling someone they care. :)

(Sorry that I didn't email you last night; I'll try to get to it this weekend!)
Juliewao_wao on December 3rd, 2010 06:30 am (UTC)
I don't know that I can write anything, if I start crying every time I think about it.
kirakira_sora: ChaCha Waokirakira_sora on December 3rd, 2010 06:34 am (UTC)
If crying solved anything, I think everything would be perfect by now.

Work up some courage and write to her. She needs love and support from her fans <3 Think of her and not how this makes you feel.
palais: yuuhi: profilepalais on December 3rd, 2010 10:37 am (UTC)

I know it hurts you, but you are hurt over worry -- thoughts in your head that may not even be grounded in reality. You've told me not to let myself be weighed down by unpleasant what-ifs; you need to do the same. You are upset about something intangible and self-constructed -- Chiko-chan is sick or suffering from something that is literally keeping her away from performing. Not that you aren't upset, or that your emotional situation is invalid, but right now, Chiko-chan is dealing with something that affects her very career. And I'm sure it will move her to know that all of us, with our own problems, are able to ignore them for a minute to send what strength and love of ours remains to her, wishing her a speedy recovery.

Your emotional well-being with regards to fandom. Her career. You have the liberty to extract yourself from fandom with minor inconvenience, whereas I'm sure that pulling out of this performance was an enormous, difficult decision for Chiko-chan to make, and one that has had very tangible consequences.

I know it is hard. But keep your chin up, believe in her, and let her know. ♥
Es ist Zeit zu Leben.: Selma - In Sehnsucht eingehülltviolet_tango on December 3rd, 2010 07:54 am (UTC)
I'm with Teffy here.

I remember how someone started a 'Let's write Ume-chan' campaign when Ume-chan broke her ankle.
Maybe Chiko-chan needs a few christmas-get-well cards now. No matter what happened, I think the 96ths always need additional support.

Try to get your head free and write her something. It doesn't need to be much, you can still write longer letters later.
Beth Winter: objects - mirrors and reflectionsbwinter on December 3rd, 2010 12:39 pm (UTC)
Maybe Chiko-chan needs a few christmas-get-well cards now.

I'm definitely putting her on my Christmas-card list.
Jencaithion on December 3rd, 2010 10:14 am (UTC)
On Thanksgiving.

I'll admit, this is why I didn't message you. You were going through such tough times and had finally made a decision to take a semi-break from fandom. I absolutely did not want to be the one to ruin your family holiday.